Learning To Count

current status 

weight - 90kg +-2

body fat - still ridiculous

daily caloric intake - 2000kcal

water - 2 liters

work out - does "trip to fridge * 10" count?

• If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 
• If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. 
• STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. 
• Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment. experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears. (This is true). 
• All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory related to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit. 
• Pies and cakes should be cut neatly in even wedges of slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities which have no calories when eaten.

These are a few of the guidelines I have lived by all my life. No one told me those were all jokes. Fast forward >>>>>>> + 25KG later. Overweight, depressed and counting calories like my life depends on it (it does!!). Now a graduate of the university of "counting calories and eating what the hell I want anyways", its still a struggle sticking to the right diet especially when you're eating Nigerian food. 

Its easy to count calories when you're eating foreign foods. They've already been weighed and calculated for you. All you need to do is get some fancy app and it does all the work or maybe ask my very good pal "Google" (shhhhhh, he knows everything).

Anyways, try imputing "Ogi" or "moimoi" into that app. Yep, go on, I'll wait!
So....... how did that go? I bet you got the bitchy "no results found" response. I did too. So I decided to learn calorie counting myself ( and by learn, I mean visited this free site that helps you calculate the caloric content of recipes) . As a very wonderful person that I am (shut up!),  I'm gonna list the caloric content of a few of our favorite Nigerian foods just for you mortals.

• Porridge beans (1/2 cup with palm oil)/serving - 845.2 kcal
• Jollof rice (1/2 cup with vegetable oil) / serving - 240.5 kcal
• ogi (corn without sugar or milk)/serving - 305 kcal
• ogi (corn with sugar and lowfat milk)/serving - 345.7 kcal
• Fried plantain/serving - 466.4 kcal
• Boiled yam/serving - 188.4 kcal
• Fried yam/serving - 548.3 kcal
• Egusi soup/serving - 653.9 kcal
• MoiMoi - 866.9 kcal

You can visit http://www.fitwatch.com/database/analyzer.php to calculate the caloric content of other recipes.

On a totally unrelated topic, how long do you think it'll take before I get my Nobel prize in the mail?